FANDOM


Hailing from the council estate of Presthaven in the mountains of Lakecashire, Holda Hearthfire is a violent prole.

Despite the fact that her parents were cousins, Holly was something of a childhood prodigy. From an early age, the precocious young Wildhammer impressed her teachers and classmates with her maturity and her knack for mastering advanced activities; while many of her peers were painting with their fingers, or learning to mimic the noises made by barnyard animals, Holda preferred to spend her time smoking, drinking, and defacing public property. Her personal tutor, when interviewed, stated that she had always considered Holda to be old “beyond her years”, but also old “before her time”. This was because a steady diet of hormonally enhanced fried chicken had caused her to enter puberty at the age of five. Perhaps because of, or despite, these things, Holly was permanently expelled from primary school at the extraordinary age of eight, after one of her cigarette butts was used to set fire to a fellow student.

Her juvenile criminal record describes her as a bright and imaginative child. Her warrant officer states that Holly was a natural storyteller, even from a young age, capable of inventing entire imaginary worlds, populated with vividly imagined characters, typically while under questioning for her offences. She was also a promising young graffiti artist, whose early attempts at vandalism would come to be known, in later life, as her “genital” period.  

Having found the environment of formal education stifling to her criminal impulses, Holda dedicated herself to full-time delinquency, demonstrating great versatility in the breadth and range of her anti-social behaviour. A prolific shop-lifter and an avid collector of things that belonged to other people, Holly also managed to amass a small fortune in lunch money, quickly establishing herself as a rising star on Presthaven’s criminal scene. She was awarded the title of “Most Wanted Juvenile Offender” thanks to her many contributions to the field, and went on to serve a term as a well-respected convict in a prestigious detention facility.

It was during her time at the facility that Holda discovered her lifelong love of having multiple sexual partners. She employed  an extensive ignorance of reproductive biology and a fundamentalist attitude to prophylactics to produce a record-breaking number of teenage pregnancies, dedicating herself, single-handedly, to countering the population slump caused by Presthaven's sky-rocketing suicide rates. Her first, second, third and fourth children were born during the golden years of her sentence, and Holda lived comfortably off child maintenance fees and alimony payments for the duration of her detainment. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and Holly turned sixteen.

Now able to be tried and sentenced as an adult, Holly was transferred to an adult detainment facility, sometimes known as a “prison”, and found herself unhappily unable to reproduce amongst the phallically-challenged female populace. She was released on parole for good behaviour within a month.

One of the conditions of Holda’s parole was that she find herself a job. However, the insidious reign of Lady Margaretta Thatchor, secretly the black dragon Milknixia in disguise, had utterly collapsed the Eastern Kingdom’s manufacturing industry and left the local economy in a state of total fucking shambles. Even the miners of Westyork were forced to admit that they were no longer on strike but were actually just unemployed.

The criminal market was hit hardest of all, as wages stagnated and jobs became increasingly scarce. The fact that Prohibition didn’t exist in the Warcraft universe, and also that hundreds of thousands of mana-addicted elves had selfishly died during the Scourge of Quel’danas, meant that organised crime never really got the chance it deserved. Even worse, upon Varian Wrynn’s return to the throne, he declared that being working-class was illegal, and had anybody who needed Employment Support Allowance banished forever. Shortly afterwards, he privatised all public services and declared taxes a crime against the rich, which most experts agree did little to improve their situation.

All the proles had become peasants, and as the welfare state had been dismantled, Holda couldn’t turn to benefit fraud as she normally would, and was forced instead to begin scrounging. It was during this depressing time in her life that Holda was first introduced to both shamanistic practice and drug addiction through the father of her fifth child, a compulsive substance abuser and Tauren who assured her that his own drug habits were just “a cultural thing”.

Holda doesn’t remember the months that followed, passing her by in a hallucinogenic haze; perhaps it was for the best, as they were extremely boring. After a series of events happened in some kind of order, Holda sobered up and left her boyfriend, having come to the realisation that he was a large cow.

So it was that our hero set out on the path of the shaman!

Holly’s first experiments with elemental magic were encouraged by the mistaken belief that she could use it to tamper with her energy meter readings, and the not-mistaken belief that it would complicate any future arson investigations caused by her flourishing pyromania. Holda began to look forward to a bright future, filled with calisthenics and scented candles and other spiritual things of that nature. But fate struck first! In a stunning plot twist, Varian’s son, Tony Blair Wrynn, had re-instated the welfare state and restored the shaman’s benefit rights!

So it was that Holda Hearthfire accepted a voluntary position with the mighty Order of Erandium, under the wise tutelage of Hamporo Rocktineous; he, to take advantage of lax labour laws and exploit unpaid workers with zero hour contracts; she, to back up her jobseeker’s claim with proof that she was looking for a job.

She wasn’t, though.

And ye! Our story reaches it’s rushed conclusion.

These days, Holda lives in relative luxury, successfully defrauding the Council (of the Three Hammers) of thousands of gold coins every year. She invests her money wisely in speculating marijuana futures, and spends the surplus on cigarettes, cider, and shell-suits for her many children.

To the world, she is Holda Hearthfire.

But to her grand-children, she is known as…

NANNA